Sixteen years ago today, my life changed in a way I never imagined. 

After ten hours of natural labor, I gave birth to my first child, a baby boy.  He was 8lbs 4 oz and 21 inches long.  Both my husband and dearest friend where at my side that Sunday afternoon when my baby boy took his first breath. 

I wish I could sit here and tell you the story of that life changing day, but I can't.  My memory of that day is very foggy, sometimes I feel guilty about it.  I treasure all the beautiful pictures I have that capture that day.

The stage of my life was textbook, we had been married for nine years, we planned and tried for almost a year to get pregnant.  My pregnancy was flawless.  The support from family and friends was amazing.  My delivery was hard but not unbearable, back then "natural childbirth" was popular and I had an amazing labor coach.  Everything seemed in place and perfect, so why couldn't I really remember it?  I wish I knew the answer to that question. 

Nicholas was such a good happy baby despite the severe reflux he suffered from for the first year of his life.  He was so lovable and content all the time.  This sweet baby boy captured the hearts of anyone and everyone he met.  He managed to capture even the toughest hearts and to this day has them wrapped around his heart. 

Having a baby is a life changing event for everyone, so why would mine be any different.  It was very different, very unique and special. 

At nine months old we started to notice Nicholas wasn't reaching milestones quite as fast as his peers and as he got older it became more evident.  At the age of 2 he was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy and at the age of 5 he was diagnosed as Autistic.  The diagnosis' were very difficult, a Mom never sees her child as anything except "perfect".  Doctors were never able to tell us when or what caused any of it, in time we have all come to terms with it.

Nicholas is perfect, he is perfectly made just how God intended.  He is our miracle and life changing blessing.  He has taught us all about life, being happy and most of all love.  He reminds you how simple and happy life can be, we are the ones that make it hard.  His biggest gift is his love, its forever and truly unconditional in such a pure way it can only be from God. 

I have heard Autism being described as being stuck in a body that doesn't work, it doesn't do what your brain wants it to do, it doesn't say what your mind wants to say, I have to agree.  I believe Nicholas has alot to say, but cannot express it.  I can see him wanting to do things, but his body just doesn't cooperate.  His eyes and smile have a way of talking to you.  They tell you if he is happy, tired, excited, nervous, sad or scared.  Nicholas talks but his vocabulary is very limited, too limited for some of the grand thoughts I know are in his little mind. 

Nicholas turned 16 today and it's unbelievable how fast time has just flown by.  I cannot imagine my life without him, he is my strength and I am his voice.  I see the world completely different than I did 16 years ago and I owe that to my son. 

When I first heard Alison Krauss' song "When you say nothing at all" it brought me to tears.  The words were so profound, they expressed what I had felt in my heart since the day he was born.  I cannot hear that song that I don't think of my Nicholas.

Out of my challenge grew a miracle.....a beautiful, wonderful miracle of God.

Happy Birthday, I love you Nicky.

Mom

Alison Krauss - When You Say Nothing At All

Out of Touch

It's been several weeks since my last post.  So much has happened in my life over the past month, I have found it really hard to feel the tug in my heart from just a mere month ago.  I feel very disconnected with my life, my heart and my soul.  My emotions are one giant tangled ball of yarn. 

I heard a song today, it has stuck with me all day. The song is about going back home, back to the house where you grew up and I cannot help but wonder if the singer is right.  Does living in just one house, one home during your entire childhood affect someone so deeply? 

I happen to believe that it does, I believe it gives you a sense of belonging.  It creates a path, a path that can be retraced and shared with your children later in life. 

All the little things that seem so insignificant at the time will someday make a really great story.  The steps outside with your tiny handprints imprinted, the door frame with your height marks, your favorite hiding spot. 

Our family was not fortunate enough to have just one house, we moved around almost every 2-3 years until I was 17 years old, I married and left home right before I turned 18. 
Now that I have my own family, I realize that I want that for my children, I want them to have a hometown, a house where they grow up until they leave for college, a place full of memories to carry inside their hearts forever.

"I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokeness inside me might start healing.  Out here it’s like I’m someone else, I thought that maybe I could find myself.  If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave, won’t take nothing but a memory...from the house that built me."  Miranda Lambert